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Spoken version
A recorded reading of “For the Times You Could Not Answer”. If the player does not load, use the original audio source.
There were days I wanted to phone you and days I was afraid to. I did not want my name on your screen to become one more thing your body had to answer. You were tired. Chemo had made you feel as if you had flu. There were appointments, blood tests, the next date waiting behind the last. I could say, Let me know when we can talk. It sounded small enough to be kind. What I meant was: I am frightened. I miss you. I do not know what to do with this except keep coming back to you. When they put the port in, I called you bionic. I said the Borg were starting. You had a koala bear from Harvey and a better question: had I watched the new Star Trek? Then we were talking about Saru, and I understood something useful about being your brother. I could not repair the whole world. I could stay long enough to know why Saru mattered. You call that year autopilot. I think of you moving through rooms where someone else already knows what happens next. Then you wrote: no cancer in the tissue, no cancer in the nodes. Four exclamation marks. I had never been so glad to see a sentence lose control. Later, you rang the bell. There was cake. But a bell is not an ending. It is a sound made by someone still standing in the room. And now some of that year has enough quiet to begin arriving. I am proud of you, Claire. Not because pain improved you. Because you had to live inside it and it did not get to be all of you. I see strength in you now. I wish you had never needed to find it. I am so glad you are here. When you said you felt like yourself again, I thought: there you are. I wanted that for you as much as I wanted to hear your voice again. Phone when you want to. If you want to tell it, I will listen. If you do not, I will still answer.
Lyrics
The Bell Is Not the End (mm-mm) There were nights I held the phone And I let it ring in my hand Did not want to ask for more When you were doing all you can You had names for every test Dates written all across the wall Kept on walking through the days When the days felt far too tall I said, call when you can What I meant was, I am scared I was trying to be your brother Without making you carry me there You are here, you are here That is all I need to know You are here, you are here And the whole wide house can glow Through the dark, through the years You are here, you are here A small bear in a plastic chair Kept the watch when we could not We made bad jokes through the static Held the line and held the spot (mm-mm) Then the words came through at last Nothing there, nothing there I could feel the whole world breathe From a room I was not near You kept moving through the noise Like the noise was all you knew I was wishing I could take it But there was nothing I could do You are here, you are here That is all I need to know You are here, you are here And the whole wide house can glow Through the dark, through the years You are here, you are here The bell was never the end Just a sound inside the room You were still learning the shape Of the quiet after news (mm-mm) You do not owe the hurt a lesson You do not owe us a brave face If you want to tell it, I will listen If you do not, I will save your place You are here, you are here That is all I need to know You are here, you are here And the whole wide house can glow Your old laugh, your own time Coming back into the room You are here, you are here And I will still answer (mm-mm)
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