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Spoken version
A recorded reading of “Customer Service with Mr. Satan”. If the player does not load, use the original audio source.
“Excuse me, Mr. Satan, sir,” I say with a grin, “I’ve come to claim my package, so let’s begin. I’d like the Ozzy Osbourne deal, if you please— a sprinkle of madness, some bats, and disease.” Satan squints, flames flickering in his eye, “Ah yes, the Ozzy—wild ride, no lie. You’ll get leather and grit, a voice forged in fire, plus midnight cravings and chaos to inspire.” I nod like a roadie on his final descent, “Add a touch of whiskey and devilish accent. I want the swagger, the screams, the front-row night— and maybe a bat to chew on mid-flight.” “Done,” says the Devil, with a wicked flare, “Just remember, my friend—no refunds down there.” I sign in ash, my soul in bold flair, and instantly grow eyeliner and unruly hair. But thunder cracks—Ozzy descends in red smoke, Laughing, “Too late now, mate, this ain’t no joke.” “You wanted the legend, but didn’t read fine print— you’re stuck in the madness—hope you like Hell’s stint.” So here I thrash, stuck in this infernal bit, soloing hard while Satan throws a fit. The moral, my friends? When you summon a deal, make damn sure it comes with a return seal.
Alternative version
“Excuse me, Mr. Satan, sir,” I say with a grin, “I’ve come to claim my package, so let’s begin. I’d like the Ozzy Osbourne deal, if you please— a sprinkle of madness, some bats, and disease.” Old Satan squints, tapping his red-tipped claws, “Ah, the Ozzy package? Well, let’s review the clause— you’ll get wild hair, a voice like gravel and nails, plus an appetite for chaos and drinking that never fails.” I nod enthusiastically, ready to sign, “Throw in a lifetime supply of vintage red wine! I want the swagger, the screams, the backstage delight— and maybe a bat to chew on at night.” “Done,” says the Devil, with a devilish grin, “Just remember, my friend, once you’re in—you’re in.” I scribble my name with a flourish and flair, and suddenly I’ve got leather pants and wild hair. But wait—was that thunder? A flash in the sky? Ozzy himself appears with a wild, red eye. “You poor fool,” he laughs, “you’ve sealed your fate— now you’re stuck in this madness, and, mate—it’s too late.” So here I am, rocking out in the pit, playing air guitar while Satan’s having a fit. The moral, my friends, if you find yourself near— never bargain with Hell when you’ve had too much beer.
Instructional lyrics
[Intro blastbeat swell sub drop] [Tag 2b gang shout] ozzy deal, ring the bell [Verse 1 4/4 downpick] front desk flames, I grin I ask for the ozzy deal leather and grit, bat bite pour me mad midnight zeal whiskey heat, devil drawl give me the front row brawl [Pre rise blast fills] he squints, fire in eyes says wild ride, no lies forge my voice in fire feed the chaos choir [Chorus gang shout stack] ring that bell straight to hell [Verse 2 4/4 ride bell] ash for ink, I sign soul in bold, no chill liner blooms, hair wild thunder drops red spill ozzy laughs, smoke spins fine print clamps me in [Pre rise blast fills] I thrash, strings spit lead satan paces, sees red bats wheel over the pit midnight hunger won't quit [Break halftime chugs crowd clap] chew the bat, chew the yell stamp the stage, drop to kneel [Bridge strip tremolo wall] read fine print or burn in hell [Chorus x2 gang shout stack] ring that bell straight to hell [Tag 2b gang shout] no return, straight to hell [Outro amp hum ring]
Song info
Extreme metal ~170 BPM, drop C; quad-tracked downpicked chugs + tremolo runs, pinch squeals; bass grind, scooped mids; drums double-kick grid, blast fills, china crashes; vocals growl verses, fry-scream pres, clean belt hook, gang shouts on tag; synth low drones and risers; phrygian/harmonic minor riffs; halftime breakdown, doom ring-out; arrangement: Intro 8b -> Tag 2b -> Verse 1 -> Pre (lift) -> Chorus (2-line) -> Verse 2 -> Pre -> Chorus -> Break (breakdown) -> Bridge (tremolo wall) -> Final Chorus x2 -> Tag 2b -> Outro 4b; FX reverse-verb swells, gate stutters, sub drops; hook in -ell; open vowels, short lines.
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