1. Establish who is in charge
The person who was here first should explain where things go.
We both remember being here first.
The person writing this guide should explain where things go.
I am writing in it now.
For the present, leave things where they are.
2. Welcome
There is no need to be embarrassed about the wish. On Tuesday evening you were holding a wet duvet cover which had swallowed the fitted sheet. The rice was catching. Your mother was leaving a voice message about the difference between visiting and dropping something off.
‘I wish there was another me,’ you said.
On Wednesday morning there was.
She was sitting at your kitchen table in your green pyjamas. You were wearing them too. Neither pair was missing its bottom button, because you had finally sewn it on last Sunday. She remembered pricking her finger. So did you.
You both said, ‘Oh, thank goodness.’
Then you waited for her to get up and put the kettle on.
3. Allocate duties
Draw a line down a sheet of paper. Put your name on one side and her name on the other.
This will not help.
Use Window and Door, according to where you are sitting. Keep those seats while preparing the rota. If one of you gets up for a pen, do not let the other move across.
Window proposes that Door attend the dentist on Friday. Door observes that Window has the same tooth. Neither of you had considered this.
Write WASHING instead.
You both like hanging it out. You both dislike bringing it in. Window takes the pegs to establish possession. Door says that she, too, has been looking forward to ten minutes outside.
The washing begins to smell while you discuss whose week has been worse.
4. Identify personal property
The shoes have not doubled. Nor have the money, the car or the cheese.
Put the cheese back in the fridge while discussing this.
The wedding ring has doubled because you slept in it. This is inconvenient, as the divorce was expensive and both of you now feel that you should have sold yours.
It was Gran’s ring before it was a wedding ring.
I know.
Then leave that bit out.
It is useful to keep a guide accurate.
You always say that when you want the last word.
5. Telephone your mother
Explain the situation without saying that you have found someone to visit her.
Your mother will ask to speak to the other one.
She will say, ‘Hello, my darling,’ in exactly the voice she used for you. Pick up the teaspoon. Put it down again without stirring anything.
Wait until the call has ended before asking what they talked about. You could hear your half of it perfectly well.
She asked whether I was eating.
She asked me that too.
Yes. I heard.
6. Provide sleeping arrangements
There is a spare room. You have always called it the spare room, although most of the floor is occupied by things you intend to sell.
Do not tell her she can move a few boxes.
Do not say, ‘It’s only until we sort this out.’
If this has already been said, help move the boxes. You will both remember buying the exercise bicycle. You will both deny that you were the one who wanted it.
The mattress is narrow. It has the yellow sheets because the good sheets are on your bed.
Our bed.
There is not room for both of us in it.
There was room for Martin.
Martin complained about the mattress.
So am I.
On alternate nights, use the spare room. Put this in the rota in ink. Do not offer her the first good night as a kindness. Toss a coin.
7. Enjoy the benefits
On Thursday you come home to find the windows open and the kitchen smelling of onions frying.
You stand in the doorway with the shopping bags still pulling at your fingers. Someone else has noticed the onions need using. Someone else has started before it became urgent. You could put down the bags and sit.
‘How was your day?’ she asks.
Tell her. She has not been there.
When you get to the story about the man reversing his bakkie into the trolley bay, she laughs before you reach the good bit. You have spent years wishing people would get to the point.
Go back and tell her how the man was holding his head. She stops stirring to listen.
After supper she asks if you will do the dishes.
Do them while the water is still hot.
8. Leave room for amendments
By Saturday, Window has become the one who sat by the window on Wednesday, regardless of where she sits now. Door has begun answering to Dee.
Only because Mum keeps doing it.
Names may be revised without a household meeting.
This guide lives on the kitchen table. Do not put it in a drawer because you think the table looks cluttered. Both occupants should be able to reach it.
On Saturday evening Dee takes the car to meet a woman neither of you has met before. She has described the situation on the dating app. The woman has replied with three questions and a restaurant suggestion.
You lend Dee your blue jacket.
Our blue jacket.
Not tonight. Tonight you are borrowing it.
She comes back from the front door to ask whether you mind being left on your own.
You have the big bed, a whole evening and the last of the cheese. You say you will manage.
After she has gone, you turn to a fresh page.
9. Coming home
Please wake me if it goes well.
No published comments yet.